Balancing Act

I second Karen's "back to work blues." There are only two more weeks left in my life as a stay-at-home mom. Whatever that means. I know few moms who just *stay at home*. And being at home is a very hard job. Most moms I know have if not formal jobs -part time or full time outside the house or work from home - they have some sort of consulting, or tutoring, or fledgling new business ventures. And if they are not currently moving toward these formal or informal work modes, they are in school, or are planning for school, or planning what they want to do in the 2, 3, 5 more years that they plan to be home with their children. And almost all of the moms I know wish that there could be a balance between having enough time with kids, and enough time to work on a career, enough money to take care of family finances, enough of a sense of self that going back to school, or a job seems to help fulfill.

I feel that it's a wonderful thing to make the commitment to be home with children. As many wise people point out to me, no one looks back on these days with our children and thinks "God, I wish that I hadn't stayed home while my kids were little." I believe this, and yet, I'm going back to work. My choice to work full time as a teacher for the board of education was long thought out, pondered upon and cried over.

After I had my first child, and the first blurry, exhausting and overwhekming month had passed, I thought, "What do I do now?" So many questions ran through my head. Among them: "What is my life going to be like now- when its just me and this baby for 12 hours out of the day?" and then: "How will we make enough money to survive in the city?" and "What's enough money to survive in the city?" That was point one: I had to bring some money home.

And, I wasn't so sure that I could hack it at home. It's really the hardest job when you are the sole caretaker for a little one (at last my husband would be home by 7 each night- I was lucky), let alone taking care of the house and everything that goes with it. I was so sure that I would want to work part-time as a contract speech-pathologist for early intervention. I had done it after my day job in the past, going from home to home during the afternoon and early evening hours. It was fun, the children I worked for made progress, and I really enjoyed working with families. But the reality of trying to make a family friendly schedule with just contract work proved difficult- most people wanted me at their homes in the afternoons and evenings, as did trying to find a baby-sitter willing to work my schedule. And I realized how much I liked having colleagues. Doing home therapy means that 99% of the time, you are the only therapist in the house and are working with the parents and child.

So I went back to working in a school and then to the department of education for NYC. Yes, there's red tape, yes, there are a few whiny teachers that I have to deal with once in a while. But, I love my job, I love (almost all of) the teachers I work with, and I really love the kids. For all of the bureaucratic nonsense, I feel like I have a lot of freedom in planning what I do. And, I can leave the job there when I come home. I usually do a little paperwork each night and plan a project or two on the weekends, but I am able to be at daycare to pick up my son by 3:30. And summers off are really sweet when you can spend the time with your kids! It took me a full year to reach that decision.

Still, I have conflicting emotions. It will never feel like "enough" time with my kids. And not that it's easy to do much housework with a six month-old who wants to be held all of the time, or keep up after a three year-old who unloads box of toys as soon as I clean up, but there will be even less time for house-work. I can do a little after they go to bed, but I'll also have paperwork and want to hang out with my husband. And I want to make sure that we have a little time together, too. And for me: time for friends, and family, and remembering to do things I love and spend time with people I care about.....on the weekends, after school....play dates, day trips, cleaning, cooking, reading, church, and when am I ever going to see a play again? Go to a book reading?

I know that I'm lucky. I have 2 sweet, healthy kids and a wonderful husband. I have a job that is family friendly. Even though we've just been scraping by, I was able to take off six months to be at home.

But, selfishly, I think about the *what ifs*- What if I decide to stay home some day? What if I decided to change careers? What if I want to go back to school? And: What if I've made the wrong decision? What if I don't have enough time with my kids? What would ever feel like enough in my life to feel balanced?