Saturday, September 8, 2007

Prisoner Release

I actually went out Friday night! It took some doing - my 3 year-old was fighting sleep as well as my 5 month old, but as soon as the bigger one was down and the little one passed out in my arms, my husband gently took him from me and said, "Go! Now!" I grabbed the car keys and ran out of the house. The dinner I was trying to get to had started at at 8, and it was now 10, but I arrived before the check and got to have post-dinner coffee. It was literary night. OK, fine, call it "book club" if you must, but really it's an excuse to go out to dinner. The books are always discussed at some point during the meal, but never the focus. The focus, really, is getting out of the house without your children, and though I love the very rare times that I am able to go out with just my husband, I also am thrilled to go out with my friends.

I am 34, and had lots of "me" time before having children. I used to go out a lot and work a lot, and did just about whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to.

After 2 kids, I think, am I still me? Of course I am. And yet, I am changed in many ways. Life changes happen all of the time (relationships start, or end, our parents die, we feel transformed by a cause, by the need to help others, a new job, or we move, travel), though there are few that cause as many changes as having and caring for children. My life now happens along with and because of (at least primarily) my kids. I'm still "me" because I want to feel like I am.

I think that having a sense of "self" and being "myself" is feeling contented with the choices/things that have happened to me, invigorated to act by the things that excite me or that I feel need to change. Of course it's no longer- "just about me"- it's about my family - my kids, my husband, and my extended family too (including friends).......

After my first son was born, for the first 5 weeks, I no longer felt connected to anything- my friends were working, or lived far away, and my family is scattered across the country. I felt very alone and did not want to be. My life had been centered around going to work, seeing friends, going to lectures and book readings, movies, rock shows, and the occasional play, dance performance and political rally and protest. And I was now alone (during the day), caring for a crying baby all day and barely sleeping at night. There are no breaks once you are a parent- no nights off or just an extra hour of sleep in the morning. I was completely exhausted and overwhelmed.

I finally met some other new moms in the neighborhood and joined a "moms group". It is such a good feeling to get to be with other people who understand where you are coming from- a lack of sleep, a feeling of disconnect, and also coming to the realization that everything has changed.

And now I have made lots of wonderful friends who are also moms in my neighborhood who I would not have met (probably) if I did not have kids and had not had the need to reach out to other moms.

I'm grateful in the ways that being a mom has made me more "myself". I get to love, and be loved. I get to experience life as my children experience it. I get to learn with them (and from them). I love being a mom.

I'm so lucky! So lucky that I have met these wonderful, fun, smart, caring, compassionate moms (and some dads) who I spend time with- in playdates, during our literary nights, at the park and playground..... And I have met fantastic women who are moms and lawyers, and activists, and artists, and teachers, and writers, and who are tons of fun to be with to boot.

Being with these moms inspires me to experience more- I want to make ties in my community, I want to help raise money for causes, I want to volunteer my time, I want to write, and create- and I can. I finally have a community, I finally have causes that I really, deeply care about.

I realize that having children has not made me less of myself, but more of myself. I can feel true love- the love of a mom for her children. I have reached out to others when I used to be reserved. My life is not just about me, but it never really was supposed to be in the first place. And a life of just me was not a rich life at all- my life is really much richer for knowing these great people - the moms who I have met have become great friends, and because being a mom gives me the impetus to want to make these connections. And because being a mom has made me feel so deeply for my children, and husband, and family, and friends.


And of course, out of these changes arises "mom blogs," or "parent blogs," the need of those forever changed by a child and exiting the life of me and entering a life of me + we to share it with the world.

It's a much better life, at least for me. And though sometimes setting up the train tracks for my 3 year-old for the what feels like 100th time that day and trying to soothe my screaming 5 month-old for the 50th time (literally) that day causes me to feel like I am in a place I can't escape from, I am also grateful that I am here. I may seem like a prisoner in self imposed mom jail, but this is the same place that also gave me the freedom to feel like I could fly.

5 comments:

Monica said...

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for sharing your thouhgts and show me that I am not alone.!!! For the past few days I’ve been feeling a little depressed. I was looking into my life and I realized that I wasn’t myself anymore. I noticed that everything that I do is about my family and not myself.
I went to culinary school and every other week I would go to a good restaurant ( Nobu, Le Bernadin, Aureole, Gotham) just to see what was new in the culinary industry. I remember one day that I called the French Laundry, a restaurant in Napa, and made a reservation, two months ahead!!! It was amazing. Then my kids came… Mac and cheese, cheerios, gold fish, apple juice…
But with your post I realized that I can still be me but in a better way. I have two great kids, they keep me busy for sure, but all the love that comes with them is something priceless. And honestly I love being a mom. I also feel very fortunate to have friends like you. It is like you said “ My life is not just about me, but it never really was in the first place. And a life of just me was not a rich life at all- my life is really much richer for knowing these great people - the moms who I have met have become great friends, and because being a mom gives me the impetus to want to make these connections.”

THANK YOU!!!!

Wendy L said...

hey sarah,
great post. i know what you are talking about..I think we all do.

Isabella Kantek said...

Sarah,

Thank you too for the wonderful post and for sharing your feelings.
I guess due to lack of opportunity I never had the chance to say that I think you're a brave woman!

I still find myself thinking about how great it is to be part of a committed group like ours. I have learned so much in these past 2 years, not only about motherhood but about the value and purpose of my own life - my dreams and desires, my fears and feeling of insecurity.

Having Estela was, by far, one of the most amazing experiences I’ve had in my life. It's a daily challenge.
Being a mom helps us understand our parents, ourselves as a whole and rethink our beliefs and ideas about the world and humanity. It's a constant and dynamic reformulation ... talk about responsibility!

I have to go now, can't believe it's almost bedtime.
Thank you again!

Kari. said...

Hey Sarah.
I feel very lucky that I got to meet you guys and have great "mom" friends. I wanted to go and meet with the book club, but I felt really guilty because I hadn't read the book. Its just that after the summer vacation, being away and all, I feel a little out of touch. Anyway, great post!

Karen said...

Great post, Sarah. You've summed up so many of the feelings we have as moms and as women who have lives that have become richer because of being moms. Even if it sometimes takes stepping back from the daily goldfish and wailing and realizing that it all adds up to a better life and the desire to create a better world for our kids to live in.